Recently I read a blog post that really struck a heart string. I will post the link to it at the end of this post. It is definitely worth checking out. I suppose it sent an arrow and set my heart ablaze because it gave lyrics to what has been the song of my heart as of late.
I mentioned today at lunch with some friends that the older I get, the less I know or understand. I had way more answers to questions when I was in my early 20's. Not that they were the right answers but I sure thought so. Not only do I feel less capable to give advice or answer someone's question but I also have become much more aware of my weakness. There are days where I am so aware of my humanness it could be paralyzing if not for constant prayer to connect to the SOURCE of LIFE. I used to feel much more invincible than I do now. Maybe I have become wiser. And wisdom looks like an awareness of my smallness in the shadow of His bigness.
And then there's failure.
Oh, I hate that word. And then I don't hate it. In truth, failure represents gain to me. And failure really isn't failure after all. I guess it all depends on your perspective and how you use it. I had someone who is wise tell me very recently that I did not fail. It sure seemed the opposite to me. But I took what she said and I searched my heart. I always tell my kids (annoying as it is to hear myself say to them) "do your best and forget the rest"!
Then those annoying words rang in my ears and my heart. So I did what any self-respecting adult would do...I did my best then I worried and worried about the rest. What?!?!?! You mean to say you DIDN'T forget it?
NOOOOOOO! I pretended to but I didn't. It didn't take long though. I'm pushing 40 and no longer have the energy to worry more than 24 hours. I had to take responsibility, do what I could do, then lay it down despite the outcome. And then I had to do the hardest part of all, forgive myself for my shortcomings.
I have no power over an outcome, over another being's response. I only have power over my choices, my choices to forgive, to love, to sow peace. Even now as I type that I am challenged to really believe it. I still think somewhere inside myself I can do it all. I can make everything all right for everybody else.
But I know I cannot.
So, I can worry and make my life miserable or I can let go.
And when I say "let go", I don't mean stop caring, or pretend like circumstances don't exist. "Letting go" for me means I am going to devote some serious time to praying. To being still. To listening. To resting.
And that is exactly what I have done. It hasn't been easy. It's been a fight. An uphill battle. But I am at peace. I'm resting in WHO HE is. There is no better place to be than that.
XO,
L.
This following post is so so good. Check it out when you have a few minutes!
http://danacandler.com/3696/why-growing-in-god-looks-weaker-than-we-thought/
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