If you are like me, waiting is hard. We have a pick-up line at my daughter's school. Her teacher walks her right to my car every afternoon. Whoever is first in line gets their kid first and so on. I can always see my daughter but it might be a few minutes before she actually gets in the car, even though she is no more than 15 feet from me. I sometimes wanna yell "come on! It's ok just run over here and get in." But those aren't the rules. The teacher has to physically walk them to the car and help them get in. It's a small private school so it works. It would be so easy to over rule them and tell my kiddo to run on over but I have to respect how they operate things.
This seemingly insignificant act got me thinking...how many times have I done something MY way because it was easier? In particular, dealing with loved ones who might be hurting, grieving, or walking through a difficult season in their life. It's our human response to want to help, bring comfort, or ease the pain. But some pains cannot be eased by us. And then sometimes, it's not about easing the pain but just being there for the one you love. And sometimes "being there" is not really being present with them at all, but being available to them. People are different. We know this. We are created with great care and detail by our Creator. No one is like you and you are like no one else. And we all handle things differently. If you know me, then you know I am kind of like Batman. No, I do not go out at night masquerading as a vigilante. But like Batman, I have a certain way of dealing with my pain and sometimes I set up camp in my bat cave. I hide. I process...alone. I am an external processor but not always with people. Sometimes, it involves just me and God. I cry with people and sometimes I prefer to cry alone. Those closest to me, know this. And they respect this. While I know it is difficult for them, they put what and how I walk through pain before themselves. They love me the way I need to be loved. It's about me, not them. They do not let me lay a foundation and build a house in my cave but they will give me the time I need to camp there temporarily. And when its time for me to leave, they know it. Sometimes I come out willingly and sometimes they drag me out. But they are always there calling me up to move from one place to another. Higher ground. Never leaving me to rot in the cave, but also respecting my boundaries and letting me be.
And even though my friends have shown graceful restraint with me, I must confess that I have busted through people boundaries with my own selfishness leading the charge. I have not respected people's space. And this is so important. When we overstep, I believe it comes from a good place. You want to love, you want to help, but when we put ourselves ahead of others it becomes about your comfort and not theirs. We see that loving and being there for someone can look different. It doesn't have to be the way we see it or even the way we would want it to look like if we were the one in pain.
Lately, I am getting several opportunities to learn what this looks like. And it is really no fun at all but extremely valuable. Being available is so important. It seems to me that's how God operates. He is gentle, never forcing Himself yet He is always available to us. Waiting with great anticipation to comfort us, hold us, shower us with peace, collect our tears.
I am not going to attempt to do what only God can do. But I will do my very best to be available to people. To love them in the form they need it and He can show us how to do that if we make ourselves available to HIM.
L.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Coffee With a Judger Part 2
Like I said before, my coffee date with the judger was a loooong morning so now for the next session... and there could be a session after this one and another and another. My heart continues to spill out days after that particular morning and even though I have been warned (by the blog professionals) against using my blog as a journal, that is exactly what it looks like I'm doing. I wanted to write funny stories about the ins and outs of the days at our house...because I could fill novels full of inappropriateness, embarrassing incidences, crazy town shenanigans, and so on.
But right now I find myself writing about something a bit more vulnerable and exposing. And it makes sense. My life is like this. I bet yours is too. My days usually start out as one thing and end looking completely different than what I imagined.
I used to think it was because I was unfocused (I certainly can be) or unorganized(Hello! also true) but now I think it has more to do with allowance or yielding if you will.
I don't know when God is going to move...but I want to move with Him. When He has something to say to someone, I want Him to use me. I want to listen, to be in tune, to read the wind (if you pardon this analogy) and ride on the current in the direction He is moving. And allowing and yielding to these things can "mess up" my day. But I kinda like messes. Because I am one. A beautiful one.
The conversation in that coffee shop took a different direction that day. It turned from a potential bitchfest into a commitment to accountability, graciousness, mercy, choosing love.
What happens when you get to see the ugly side of someone? The dark part of someone? The part where you see them mistreat a family member? They are rude to a waitress? Give a biting remark about someone else in front of you? To be clear...I have done all of these things and more. And I am sure I have been judged for it. I am also sure I have had people extend mercy to me.
My tendency, to be honest, is to judge. And I am good at it. I am so good at building cases with mounting evidence, I should have been an attorney.
But as seasons change, so am I...changing that is.
When I see "unredeemed" qualities in me, I want to take them to Jesus. When I see unredeemed qualities in someone else, I want to pray for them. When I see manipulation, I know that person has the power of influence, yet if they are using that power for selfish gain, its unredeemed. We all have God giftings and they are different for each one of us. But when they are not cloaked in humility and bathed in Jesus they can be used dangerously. I have done it. I have been at the receiving end of it. It hurts...both ways.
When I get a window into someone, I don't want to write them off the page. I don't want to be written off the page.
I want to see it the way He sees it. I want to see the potential, the possibility.
Love brews great possibility. My limited judgements do not. OUCH. That one really hurt y'all. Thinking that my assessment of someone or a situation can bring about change. I cannot do what only HE can do. I must yield. I must wait. And while I wait, I must seek Him. I want to see through His lens and to do that, I have to put mine down...and when I do that it looks like this...
put it down, pick it up, no, no put it down. I got hurt again, pick it up! No, no, put it down..I need peace. I got excluded and my insecurity alarm is ringing...pick up my lens. PUT IT DOWN!!!
I'm exhausted, that lens of mine is heavy...His is so much lighter!
Until next time,
L.
But right now I find myself writing about something a bit more vulnerable and exposing. And it makes sense. My life is like this. I bet yours is too. My days usually start out as one thing and end looking completely different than what I imagined.
I used to think it was because I was unfocused (I certainly can be) or unorganized(Hello! also true) but now I think it has more to do with allowance or yielding if you will.
I don't know when God is going to move...but I want to move with Him. When He has something to say to someone, I want Him to use me. I want to listen, to be in tune, to read the wind (if you pardon this analogy) and ride on the current in the direction He is moving. And allowing and yielding to these things can "mess up" my day. But I kinda like messes. Because I am one. A beautiful one.
The conversation in that coffee shop took a different direction that day. It turned from a potential bitchfest into a commitment to accountability, graciousness, mercy, choosing love.
What happens when you get to see the ugly side of someone? The dark part of someone? The part where you see them mistreat a family member? They are rude to a waitress? Give a biting remark about someone else in front of you? To be clear...I have done all of these things and more. And I am sure I have been judged for it. I am also sure I have had people extend mercy to me.
My tendency, to be honest, is to judge. And I am good at it. I am so good at building cases with mounting evidence, I should have been an attorney.
But as seasons change, so am I...changing that is.
When I see "unredeemed" qualities in me, I want to take them to Jesus. When I see unredeemed qualities in someone else, I want to pray for them. When I see manipulation, I know that person has the power of influence, yet if they are using that power for selfish gain, its unredeemed. We all have God giftings and they are different for each one of us. But when they are not cloaked in humility and bathed in Jesus they can be used dangerously. I have done it. I have been at the receiving end of it. It hurts...both ways.
When I get a window into someone, I don't want to write them off the page. I don't want to be written off the page.
I want to see it the way He sees it. I want to see the potential, the possibility.
Love brews great possibility. My limited judgements do not. OUCH. That one really hurt y'all. Thinking that my assessment of someone or a situation can bring about change. I cannot do what only HE can do. I must yield. I must wait. And while I wait, I must seek Him. I want to see through His lens and to do that, I have to put mine down...and when I do that it looks like this...
put it down, pick it up, no, no put it down. I got hurt again, pick it up! No, no, put it down..I need peace. I got excluded and my insecurity alarm is ringing...pick up my lens. PUT IT DOWN!!!
I'm exhausted, that lens of mine is heavy...His is so much lighter!
Until next time,
L.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Coffee With a Judger
Do you happen to have those days when you need to "vent" or process externally??? I do! In truth, I ALWAYS process externally. I have a VERY SHORT list of those that I perform this task with...they are those people that I completely trust, that will point me to Jesus, that speak the TRUTH, NOT tell me what I WANT to hear but tell me what I NEED to hear even though it might offend my flesh, it will stir my heart to love and grace.
I very recently had coffee with a friend. She had had a tough month...or 6. I think she caught me a bit raw this fateful morning. She needed to vent. Apparently, so did I. But something strange happened. As I listened to her...God began to make Himself VERY present. Truth is, He is always very present, we just aren't so aware. But this morning, HE sat Himself right between us on that old, comfy leather couch in that coffee shop. As I listened to her spill out her hurt, frustration, and yes, judgements, something happened. I knew exactly how she felt. I watched her. I listened to her. I WAS her.
"Stop building your case. LOVE."
Wait a second...that wasn't what I gonna say to her. She's justified in her situation.
I knew what was coming...HE was borrowing my mouth to take her to the TRUTH. To convict her to love. To bring her near. To bring her back from judgement. But in reality...those words coming out of my mouth were like hot arrows piercing my heart. They burned but in a good way, a right way, a loving way that is done with great kindness. His way. Remembering that kindness is what leads to repentance (changing the way I think). He had joined our conversation and He had a lot to say.
"Who Do I say you are?" "Who Do I say they are?" that still voice that calms me.
Remembering that God doesn't let us take a peek in someone's humanity so we can make assumptions and sit back and judge them. He gives insight and revelation so you can PRAY and love and be gracious. It's a gift from Him...and I confess that I tend to use it as a weapon. A weapon to build my case against them, as an excuse to not do the hard work of loving. Yes, loving is not easy. It's work...to love the ones who have hurt you, rejected you. Honestly, I can be very bad at this. I have those in my life that are easy to love...that's not work...and I am more than grateful for those who are just easy to be with. They are like a refreshing rain in the dessert of a world where loving can be difficult. When it can offend your flesh to love but it frees your heart. Have you read 1Corinthians 13?
I'm sure you have. Read it again. You know the part where is says, "love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out"?
That's what happened in that coffee shop. Truth won out.
Love is not for the faint-hearted. It's a choice that I have to choose daily. And sometimes, I make bad choices. But sometimes I choose correctly.
Coffee this day was 2+hours...so there is so much more. But now I am spent and there are 2 littles watching cartoons right now that need to be loved on.
Until next time,
L.
I very recently had coffee with a friend. She had had a tough month...or 6. I think she caught me a bit raw this fateful morning. She needed to vent. Apparently, so did I. But something strange happened. As I listened to her...God began to make Himself VERY present. Truth is, He is always very present, we just aren't so aware. But this morning, HE sat Himself right between us on that old, comfy leather couch in that coffee shop. As I listened to her spill out her hurt, frustration, and yes, judgements, something happened. I knew exactly how she felt. I watched her. I listened to her. I WAS her.
"Stop building your case. LOVE."
Wait a second...that wasn't what I gonna say to her. She's justified in her situation.
I knew what was coming...HE was borrowing my mouth to take her to the TRUTH. To convict her to love. To bring her near. To bring her back from judgement. But in reality...those words coming out of my mouth were like hot arrows piercing my heart. They burned but in a good way, a right way, a loving way that is done with great kindness. His way. Remembering that kindness is what leads to repentance (changing the way I think). He had joined our conversation and He had a lot to say.
"Who Do I say you are?" "Who Do I say they are?" that still voice that calms me.
Remembering that God doesn't let us take a peek in someone's humanity so we can make assumptions and sit back and judge them. He gives insight and revelation so you can PRAY and love and be gracious. It's a gift from Him...and I confess that I tend to use it as a weapon. A weapon to build my case against them, as an excuse to not do the hard work of loving. Yes, loving is not easy. It's work...to love the ones who have hurt you, rejected you. Honestly, I can be very bad at this. I have those in my life that are easy to love...that's not work...and I am more than grateful for those who are just easy to be with. They are like a refreshing rain in the dessert of a world where loving can be difficult. When it can offend your flesh to love but it frees your heart. Have you read 1Corinthians 13?
I'm sure you have. Read it again. You know the part where is says, "love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out"?
That's what happened in that coffee shop. Truth won out.
Love is not for the faint-hearted. It's a choice that I have to choose daily. And sometimes, I make bad choices. But sometimes I choose correctly.
Coffee this day was 2+hours...so there is so much more. But now I am spent and there are 2 littles watching cartoons right now that need to be loved on.
Until next time,
L.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
It's Fall Y'all!
My favorite season has arrived! Now if someone would let the weather know. It's a lovely 92 degrees outside but inside this house it's Autumn. We have pumpkins, leaves, red currant candles burning and the crockpot doing all the work making something delish to eat. Luckily, cooler weather is on the forecast and this chick can't wait. I have leather pants and faux-fur vests whispering from my closet, "wear me". Thank ya JESUS that swimsuit season is over and I can skip shaving my legs for days at a time!
L.
L.
I Like Clothes...I Don't Like Shopping
So while I like to dress up, I don't get the chance very often. I like to put something on other than sweats but I don't enjoy shopping that much. I'm mostly an online kinda girl and Target, of course because I can get my endless lists of pull-ups, milk, and trash bags and maybe just maybe pick up a cute cardigan. So I decided I would jump on the ootd (outfit of the day) bandwagon, but mine will be more like 2 a week if I can even handle that.
Romper: LOFT
Sweater: Buckle
Watch: Nixon (Buckle)
Other Ensemble:
Denim Top: Buckle
Bottoms: Gap
Pink Kicks: Nine West
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
I WILL See the Goodness of the Lord
I have a new favorite song. Only listened to it all day everyday for the past 5 days. I will post the link to the video at the end of this post.
The song stirred some things in me. Things like my friend who has a debilitating disease that affects her movement, the pain so great it prevents her from sleeping. She, only one year older than me, with 2 young boys and a husband, have a team of people helping them with daily tasks, the simple ones that I take for granted but that are insurmountable ones for her. But her faith is like none I have seen, except in Bible stories. She is unwavering, not questioning God, not bitter, just loving Him, thanking Him, worshipping Him, praising Him.
Then I have friends who have been labeled barren. I have too many of these friends, yet one would be enough. Heart-breaking, heart wrenching. What comes so easily without the slightest struggle for MILLIONS seems impossible for these. I say SEEMS impossible because even though that has been the label used by doctors, I know that only He is the giver of life.
Then I have friends who are the most courageous people I have known. The ones who have lost a child. These friends have looked my worst fear right in the face and not just survived...but thrived in the only One who can truly comfort and heal. I know for them the days are long and the nights even longer. I have been a witness to their pain and their triumphs and I am continually in AWE of their unshaken faith when to be honest, I have been shaken at much less.
My hubs and I have what we like to call "Red Chair Time". We have red adirondack chairs on our patio where we sit at night after we put the littles to bed. This is the place where we can connect after long days and sometimes, long weeks. We talk about everything under the sun... funny stories about the kids, his career joys and frustrations, our schedules, our fears, politics (his choice, not mine...blah blah blah) what we feel like God is doing and saying about anything and everything. I usually talk for an hour straight while he listens and nods, not dare interrupting his talkative wife...after 15 years of marriage, he knows I how roll and I will talk myself into a tizzy and then back out of one. He knows I will come full circle.
Last night though was different. He asked me a question and it got my heart doing it's usual pondering. The question itself I will keep to myself. But it did get me thinking how many times I have tried to bend God to my reasoning? How many times have I attempted to put Him in a box where I can make sense of circumstances and put definition to how He moves and works in the earth using my human mind to appease myself and others. Measuring my own limited understanding to His matchless ways of weaving the ugly parts of life together to create beauty. I don't have to understand...I couldn't anyway. But I want to rest my hope on Him.
Psalm 27...I'm pondering this...drinking it. I wish I had a conclusion. I wish I could say I never waver, my knees don't get weak when pain, fear, and uncertainty come. But He is there...always calling "Come to me". He doesn't fill me in on all the details of His weaving...but yet I'm always assured by His presence. He's good even when my emotions are in opposition to His word. He's good and I'm setting my hope on Him.
This is worth nine minutes of your life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPQqhc2e6ww
L.
The song stirred some things in me. Things like my friend who has a debilitating disease that affects her movement, the pain so great it prevents her from sleeping. She, only one year older than me, with 2 young boys and a husband, have a team of people helping them with daily tasks, the simple ones that I take for granted but that are insurmountable ones for her. But her faith is like none I have seen, except in Bible stories. She is unwavering, not questioning God, not bitter, just loving Him, thanking Him, worshipping Him, praising Him.
Then I have friends who have been labeled barren. I have too many of these friends, yet one would be enough. Heart-breaking, heart wrenching. What comes so easily without the slightest struggle for MILLIONS seems impossible for these. I say SEEMS impossible because even though that has been the label used by doctors, I know that only He is the giver of life.
Then I have friends who are the most courageous people I have known. The ones who have lost a child. These friends have looked my worst fear right in the face and not just survived...but thrived in the only One who can truly comfort and heal. I know for them the days are long and the nights even longer. I have been a witness to their pain and their triumphs and I am continually in AWE of their unshaken faith when to be honest, I have been shaken at much less.
My hubs and I have what we like to call "Red Chair Time". We have red adirondack chairs on our patio where we sit at night after we put the littles to bed. This is the place where we can connect after long days and sometimes, long weeks. We talk about everything under the sun... funny stories about the kids, his career joys and frustrations, our schedules, our fears, politics (his choice, not mine...blah blah blah) what we feel like God is doing and saying about anything and everything. I usually talk for an hour straight while he listens and nods, not dare interrupting his talkative wife...after 15 years of marriage, he knows I how roll and I will talk myself into a tizzy and then back out of one. He knows I will come full circle.
Last night though was different. He asked me a question and it got my heart doing it's usual pondering. The question itself I will keep to myself. But it did get me thinking how many times I have tried to bend God to my reasoning? How many times have I attempted to put Him in a box where I can make sense of circumstances and put definition to how He moves and works in the earth using my human mind to appease myself and others. Measuring my own limited understanding to His matchless ways of weaving the ugly parts of life together to create beauty. I don't have to understand...I couldn't anyway. But I want to rest my hope on Him.
Psalm 27...I'm pondering this...drinking it. I wish I had a conclusion. I wish I could say I never waver, my knees don't get weak when pain, fear, and uncertainty come. But He is there...always calling "Come to me". He doesn't fill me in on all the details of His weaving...but yet I'm always assured by His presence. He's good even when my emotions are in opposition to His word. He's good and I'm setting my hope on Him.
This is worth nine minutes of your life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPQqhc2e6ww
L.
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