Like I said before, my coffee date with the judger was a loooong morning so now for the next session... and there could be a session after this one and another and another. My heart continues to spill out days after that particular morning and even though I have been warned (by the blog professionals) against using my blog as a journal, that is exactly what it looks like I'm doing. I wanted to write funny stories about the ins and outs of the days at our house...because I could fill novels full of inappropriateness, embarrassing incidences, crazy town shenanigans, and so on.
But right now I find myself writing about something a bit more vulnerable and exposing. And it makes sense. My life is like this. I bet yours is too. My days usually start out as one thing and end looking completely different than what I imagined.
I used to think it was because I was unfocused (I certainly can be) or unorganized(Hello! also true) but now I think it has more to do with allowance or yielding if you will.
I don't know when God is going to move...but I want to move with Him. When He has something to say to someone, I want Him to use me. I want to listen, to be in tune, to read the wind (if you pardon this analogy) and ride on the current in the direction He is moving. And allowing and yielding to these things can "mess up" my day. But I kinda like messes. Because I am one. A beautiful one.
The conversation in that coffee shop took a different direction that day. It turned from a potential bitchfest into a commitment to accountability, graciousness, mercy, choosing love.
What happens when you get to see the ugly side of someone? The dark part of someone? The part where you see them mistreat a family member? They are rude to a waitress? Give a biting remark about someone else in front of you? To be clear...I have done all of these things and more. And I am sure I have been judged for it. I am also sure I have had people extend mercy to me.
My tendency, to be honest, is to judge. And I am good at it. I am so good at building cases with mounting evidence, I should have been an attorney.
But as seasons change, so am I...changing that is.
When I see "unredeemed" qualities in me, I want to take them to Jesus. When I see unredeemed qualities in someone else, I want to pray for them. When I see manipulation, I know that person has the power of influence, yet if they are using that power for selfish gain, its unredeemed. We all have God giftings and they are different for each one of us. But when they are not cloaked in humility and bathed in Jesus they can be used dangerously. I have done it. I have been at the receiving end of it. It hurts...both ways.
When I get a window into someone, I don't want to write them off the page. I don't want to be written off the page.
I want to see it the way He sees it. I want to see the potential, the possibility.
Love brews great possibility. My limited judgements do not. OUCH. That one really hurt y'all. Thinking that my assessment of someone or a situation can bring about change. I cannot do what only HE can do. I must yield. I must wait. And while I wait, I must seek Him. I want to see through His lens and to do that, I have to put mine down...and when I do that it looks like this...
put it down, pick it up, no, no put it down. I got hurt again, pick it up! No, no, put it down..I need peace. I got excluded and my insecurity alarm is ringing...pick up my lens. PUT IT DOWN!!!
I'm exhausted, that lens of mine is heavy...His is so much lighter!
Until next time,
L.
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