Do You Ever?

Do you ever say the wrong thing at the wrong time?

Do you ever make your kids eat the dinner you burned, telling them it’s not that bad, while you eat cookies for dinner in your closet when they aren’t looking?

Do you ever comment to one of the fellow moms on your kids's (Christian school) cheer team that her daughter has the moves like Jagger only to have her not smile or laugh and look at your sideways??

I know she only listens to Christian pop while we are jamming to Jay Z and “I’m Sexy and I Know It”.

Do you ever say to the people in line behind you at the grocery store while you're children are running around screaming and opening the candy at the register and taking a bite then putting it back, 

"it's okay, they're still sinners...they have yet to receive Jesus as their Savior.”

Do you ever order a corn dog for lunch then see one of your friends and pretend the corn dog is for one of your kids because you, of course, only eat salads?

Do you ever tell the cashier after she responds your curly headed kid has something stuck in his hair that it’s just his oatmeal from breakfast and your saving it for his morning snack when he gets hungry?

Yeah me neither.

L.

Laugh or Die

I woke up this morning heavily drowning in insecurity.  I spent most of my life drowning in it so I can spot the old friend creeping up in me almost immediately.   I don’t follow appropriate guidelines in my life.  I tend to say whatever I think with no filter.  But I wasn’t always like that.  For years, I never said anything.  I kept to myself in fear of being judged, scrutinized, whatever it may be.  And for many years of my life I lived in a fog of depression.  BUT, something happened to me.  

You see, I was brought up in church. We went every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night.  I knew every Bible story, we said grace before every meal.  I went down to the front to receive Jesus as my Savior when I was 9.  Got baptized at 11.  The whole enchilada.  But Jesus really wasn’t my Savior...

And it wasn’t until years later that He really became that to me.  Yes, I always believed I was a sinner and He died on the cross to save me and give me eternal life.  But my experience with Him saving me was quite different than anything I had been taught growing up.  You see, it became very personal to me when I lived in that fog of depression.  I have a family history of depression.  And, for whatever reason I found myself wanting to end my life.  There was no big event that happened to me, no tragedy, no sickness, just everyday life seemed so overwhelming.  I longed for peace, rest, happiness,  all the things that just seemed out of my grasp no matter how hard I tried to attain them.

HE SAVED ME and He used relationships to do that.  He brought people (too many to count) across my path that continued to point me to Himself.  The more people I opened myself up to, the free-er I became.  So, years later I’m still practicing that.  

I won’t expose you to the ridiculous circumstance that led to the fog I woke up in this morning, but I will tell you that I picked up the phone and called a friend and we had a silly conversation which helped me remember...I’m okay.  I’m ok with me...and He can use that.  You see, when He saved me, when He reached His almighty saving arm into my fog and pulled me out and replaced all that darkness with joy and laughter.  I love to laugh, it REALLY is the very best medicine.  He saves me with JOY!  

“See God has come to save me.  I will trust in Him and not be afraid.  The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has given me victory.  With JOY you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation!  In that wonderful day you will sing: Thank the Lord! Praise His name!  Tell the nations what He has done.  Let them know how mighty He is!  Sing to the Lord, for He has done wonderful things” Isaiah 12:2-5

And then today, as I was mopping my kitchen while the little people who live here were chasing each other and using their suckers as swords, He reminded me that He gave me laughter that day when He rescued me from taking myself too seriously.   And yes, even my inappropriateness, as a gift.  To make others laugh and even sometimes to make them feel like it’s okay.  It’s okay to be you.  He made you, not only does He love you, He really LIKES you!  So let’s be serious when we need to be...and otherwise...laugh your ass off as often as possible.  

L.

Humiliation on Repeat

It happened at the gym.  I humiliated myself like never before and if you know me that’s a huge feat to accomplish...

My friend and I had just finished our Pilates class and we went strolling through the gym to find her husband who was no where to be found.  So I found myself standing there in the cardio machine area in my Uggs (Hello! Pilates is a barefoot workout and I wanted to be warm and comfy when I left!), workout attire, no makeup face just looking lost and she beside me debating on where her hubs could be.  
Then it  happened...I made eye contact with the 20 something buffman hottie waving at us and trying to say “hey”.  I immediately turned to my friend and asked her if we knew him.  I thought it more likely he was trying to get her attention than mine...I mean what would this guy want with me?  He saw this almost 40 year old mommy with 3 kids standing there in her Uggs so irresistible???  Then out of sheer panic of what to do because he seemed so persistent I yelled (ok, maybe it was more like a holler) “Do I know you?”  Apparently my question was an invitation to come on over so there he came and finally when he got right up in my grill I realized “oh, I do know you!”  He was the husband of my hub’s former assistant. 

Now for the back story...just 2 days before my hubs had come home from work with the news that his former assistant and her man were divorcing.  He had proceeded to tell me how awkward it was when he asked how they were doing and so on.  So you know the drill...you see them and naturally you would ask how’s the wife? How’s the husband? BUT...you don’t because you don’t want to be standing there drowning in the awkwardness.

So there it was...the awkwardness right there right in front of me inviting me to jump inviting`...telling myself, whatever you say don’t ask about his wife or that you heard about the divorce.  Say ANYTHING but that.  

So of course I just blurt out the first thing I was thinking...”OHMIGOSH, you are soooooo 

skinny!”  Yep you see he was always this big buff dude, not at all fat, just a big muscle-ly dude.  And as if that wasn’t enough, I blurted AGAIN, “well, not that you were ever fat, you know, you just are sooooooo skinny!”  And then with his big bulging biceps right at my eye level, I bust out with “and your arms! Your arms are HUGE!”  Yep, when I first saw him standing there I thought, “is this dude hitting on me?” and wow how the tables turned. There I stood apparently hitting on him,  over and over like a CD on repeat, “YOURE SOOOO SKINNY AND YOUR ARMS ARE SOOOOOOO BIG!”

Out of pure desperation to stop myself from the continual embarrassment, I said the one thing I wasn’t supposed to say.  You guessed it....”I heard about you and ‘Susie’ and I’m really sorry.”  After the initial shock of it just flying out of my mouth, I just stood there nodding my head as if I was offering condolences.  He responded with, “yeah well there’s nothing I can do about it.”  Really??? That’s all you got? I don’t suppose you could respond with “yeah, thanks”.  I mean I just stepped up this uncomfortable convo with bringing up the taboo subject matter and you raise me “there’s nothing you can do about it?”  I mean work with me fella...I’m obviously dying here.  Can you not say “thank you” followed by “well it was good to see you, tell your hubs I said hi” and then walk away?  And let me interject that my friend (the totally useless wingman) was still standing next to me watching in horror but never throwing me a lifeline.

And finally I ended with “how’s your job, are you still at the same place?” having no idea what he did for a living but acting like I knew everything about him.  “Yep, still at the bank.”  

“Oh yeah the bank” I responded suddenly remembering...I hope he didn’t catch on.  

So, in the end I hope I made his day. 
Maybe I made him laugh out of my humiliation, maybe he left feeling really good about himself with his skinny bod and huge muscles, or maybe like me he was just relieved to be out of the conversation.

The moral to the story:

If you ever see me at the gym just act like we don’t know each other for my sake and for yours.

L. 

What?!? No Coffee?

I expected to sit down with my laptop and my hot cup of caffeine, only to grab my cup and search the cabinet desperately to realize we were out of coffee....I would like to tell you that I was strong enough to persevere but that would be a lie. Too lazy for the grocery store, I made a run through Starbucks with a little spiderman in tow. 
I have had 2 very short night's sleep.  Going to bed too late and my alarm still goes off same time every morning in the form of an almost 4 year old asking for milk.  There was a time when weekends were restful.  When my kids were younger and I spent my days in pajamas longing for activities to do outside of the house which would require brushing my teeth and wearing clothes that matched.  But those days are over.  We are still rookies in this season of spending too much time in the car, driving from one practice to the next, and studying for tests while waiting in the drive-thru line.  In comparison to my friends with older kids, I am not busy...but it is such a change of pace from the previous 9 years, it feels crazy.  And now I think my daughter is feeling the effects.  Last night, we had less than 10 but more than 1 breakdowns.  She missed me.  She felt like we hadn't spent any time together in weeks.  At first I can honestly tell you I wasn't that compassionate.  We had left them with a sitter ONE night.  But I don't leave my kids that much...so I thought she was being a bit dramatic (runs in the family).  Nevertheless, I sat with her, held her, loved on her until she spilled it. 

"Mom, we have been together but we are always doing school work or in the car and you are talking on the phone."  OUCH.  She got me.  We haven't spent time engaging with each other.  I have been so preoccupied with my checklist with each of my kids, I have been neglecting their hearts.  The most important thing.  Listen, I am not getting down on myself or you...I'm a great mom and I'm sure you are too.  I am not going to stop talking on my phone...that would be ridiculous.  I have family and friends that I love and also want to engage with and a lot of that happens in those phone calls.

I also know that I am pretty good at engaging with my kids...could I do better? OF COURSE! 
But the tiny girl in my house is right.  The last few weeks...I got lost.  And I am happy that she is here to remind me.  And boy did she!  Weeks worth of her heart stirrings came pouring out and we just laid there...giggling, shedding a couple of tears, encouraging each other...yes she is a gifted encourager.  And then praying...teaching her how to pour her heart out before God...how praying helps relieve the burden that you were never meant to carry.  

And then of course, He whispered to me..."engage with Me"..."talk to me and that burden will be light".   Using the words I said to my daughter, to remind me... to pull me closer.  He sits in anticipation waiting for me.  Me going about my day, listening to worship music, reading my devotional but yet not truthfully ENGAGING with Him.  Laying my heart before Him...crying out to Him.  Not trying to talk myself out of feeling the pain.  But feeling it...all of it, while sitting in His lap.  Don't despise the pain you feel, for the great benefit He is working in your heart.   And I do despise it.  I'm working on it.  It's hard, but I am moving through it...His lap is the place to do that.  He's a good Father.  You can trust Him even though it may hurt.  He knows what He's doing.  He has always been faithful.  He has never given me a reason not to trust Him. so that is what I will do.

Until next time,
L.

A Little Fat and A Lot Happy

I work out.  Not crazy though.  But I do.  I also eat.  A lot.  I love food.  I tell my friends that I'd rather be a little fat and happy than super skinny and miserable.  I mean, yes of course, I want to be fit.  I feel so much better when I workout.  I know I did something good for myself.  I also want to be conscious of what I feed my body.  I believe it's important not just physically but even more important spiritually.  But very recently, I have had several convos with a friend.  About focusing more on overall health than what we will NEVER look like in a bikini.  This post is dedicated to her because she awakened something in me that has been sitting and stirring in my heart for a very long while.  

I mean, where did all the HOT MOM talk come from.  And what does it mean?  The whole MILF movement has got me thinking,  when did we shift so much of the focus to ourselves and what we look like on the outside and ignore what is going on in our hearts?  I'm not preaching here, I am speaking to something that has been going on inside of me.  I love to feel pretty, dress up, I love fashion...even though most of my days are spent with no makeup and in workout clothes regardless whether I made it to the gym.  I want to take care of myself because I want to be a good steward of what God gave me...a body that needs to be nourished, but not leaving my inside to ruins.  

Mark 8:36 says "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?"

In the same way I have been wondering what does it mean if I look great in a bikini but I have no value for others?  If my body is great (by the world's standard) yet my heart is an unhealthy mess?  

Can we have both? ABSOLUTELY!  

But in the end, my body will return to dust just like it began.  And I want who I was (not what I looked like) to have mattered. 

I am going to wear my lipstick, eat salad, dress up, and workout...but I am going to FOCUS on leaving a legacy of LOVE on the earth.  

L.








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Being Excellent at Being Mediocre

Do you remember when I said this I would not be sharing my craftiness??? That would be because I am what you would call craftiLESS.  I don't really enjoy "projects".  I am like anybody else though, I do love the IDEA of them.  But to be honest, I am not a great finisher.  I get excited but after the first 10 minutes I get bored and impatient and ready to see the finished product.  My house is full of half-finished pinterest ideas which does make for great banter between the man of the house and myself.  

Today is not really a project though, it's more of a craft I guess.  But annoying nonetheless.  My sweet kindergartener came rushing out of school today busting at the seams that he is Star of the Week next week.  I jumped up and down on the outside but inside I was thinking well, there goes my nap!  To the store we go to pick up stickers, poster board, and finding pictures...realizing I don't have any photos printed of him since he was 18 months old.  I mean, it is the iphone age...I miss the days of FILM (I am THAT old).  In the good ole days you had to print your photos if you wanted any memories.  I'm not really a self-motivated person so those days worked better for me.  I will not be competing with the moms who love to go "all out".  My kids are comfortable with my mediocrity.  So slapping on a Captain America sticker and some not so recent photos will have to do.  And when I bring the treats to his class, I assure you the store bought cookies are sufficient and the juice boxes will just look like ordinary juice boxes...or I guess I could slap a sticker on those too if I'm feeling super creative that day. 

I know some moms really enjoy doing the little extras for their kids.  I am all for it, and I will cheer you on every step of the way.  In my house, the little extras are sneaking one kid out for ice cream on a school night after the others go to bed.  I love the little people in my house and I, just like any other mom, want them to feel special and celebrated...and they will...even with my sub-par skills.

L.

Here Goes Nothin'

Yes I know, I am waaayyyyy late to the party but I am showing up anyway.  I really wanted to name this blog "Fat and Happy" but to my dismay, that title was taken.  I stole "satchels of gold" from where else? One of the "real" housewives.  I will spare you any explanation due to such explanation confusing you but I will say that I have implemented this little saying with my kids when trying to distract them while removing a splinter or cleaning up scraped knees.  While they are pleading with me to just leave the splinter in, I just yell out "satchels of gold" to which they stop mid-cry and stare at me in confusion...long enough for me to get the job of doctoring done.  

So, here goes my trek into the blogosphere...like any self-respecting narcissist I think I have something to add to the world.  A little (or LOT) crazy, some funny, and maybe just maybe make someone out there feel better about themselves after comparing herself to me!  I will not be crafting, or offering tips on how to turn juice boxes for your kids school parties into sharks or school buses.  I hope to make you laugh and distract you for a moment from the joyful yet insane days of changing diapers, cleaning food off the walls, and not keeping it "all together" while keeping it all together.  

L.