I expected to sit down with my laptop and my hot cup of caffeine, only to grab my cup and search the cabinet desperately to realize we were out of coffee....I would like to tell you that I was strong enough to persevere but that would be a lie. Too lazy for the grocery store, I made a run through Starbucks with a little spiderman in tow.
I have had 2 very short night's sleep. Going to bed too late and my alarm still goes off same time every morning in the form of an almost 4 year old asking for milk. There was a time when weekends were restful. When my kids were younger and I spent my days in pajamas longing for activities to do outside of the house which would require brushing my teeth and wearing clothes that matched. But those days are over. We are still rookies in this season of spending too much time in the car, driving from one practice to the next, and studying for tests while waiting in the drive-thru line. In comparison to my friends with older kids, I am not busy...but it is such a change of pace from the previous 9 years, it feels crazy. And now I think my daughter is feeling the effects. Last night, we had less than 10 but more than 1 breakdowns. She missed me. She felt like we hadn't spent any time together in weeks. At first I can honestly tell you I wasn't that compassionate. We had left them with a sitter ONE night. But I don't leave my kids that much...so I thought she was being a bit dramatic (runs in the family). Nevertheless, I sat with her, held her, loved on her until she spilled it.
"Mom, we have been together but we are always doing school work or in the car and you are talking on the phone." OUCH. She got me. We haven't spent time engaging with each other. I have been so preoccupied with my checklist with each of my kids, I have been neglecting their hearts. The most important thing. Listen, I am not getting down on myself or you...I'm a great mom and I'm sure you are too. I am not going to stop talking on my phone...that would be ridiculous. I have family and friends that I love and also want to engage with and a lot of that happens in those phone calls.
I also know that I am pretty good at engaging with my kids...could I do better? OF COURSE!
But the tiny girl in my house is right. The last few weeks...I got lost. And I am happy that she is here to remind me. And boy did she! Weeks worth of her heart stirrings came pouring out and we just laid there...giggling, shedding a couple of tears, encouraging each other...yes she is a gifted encourager. And then praying...teaching her how to pour her heart out before God...how praying helps relieve the burden that you were never meant to carry.
And then of course, He whispered to me..."engage with Me"..."talk to me and that burden will be light". Using the words I said to my daughter, to remind me... to pull me closer. He sits in anticipation waiting for me. Me going about my day, listening to worship music, reading my devotional but yet not truthfully ENGAGING with Him. Laying my heart before Him...crying out to Him. Not trying to talk myself out of feeling the pain. But feeling it...all of it, while sitting in His lap. Don't despise the pain you feel, for the great benefit He is working in your heart. And I do despise it. I'm working on it. It's hard, but I am moving through it...His lap is the place to do that. He's a good Father. You can trust Him even though it may hurt. He knows what He's doing. He has always been faithful. He has never given me a reason not to trust Him. so that is what I will do.
Until next time,
L.
It's crazy how quickly things in life can begin to inch their way into our precious time with the baby(ies). I find myself having to say no to more and more things in order to say yes to time with Eliana. And while crawling around on the floor, watching Dora(for the 4th time back to back), and playing peek-a-boo may not be what other's deem as the most important appointment, it is important to me. I want Eliana to know that she is my precious gift that God gave me. And I agree with you that all of the other relationships are important to maintain as well. I think you have it right that in the midst of the hussle and bustle that the precious time that we do have with our kiddos has to be quality and and that we should be fully present when we are with them. That time we spend with them is gone in a flash and once they are grown ups all we will have are memories. I want to remember really really spending time with loving on Eliana(geez, now I have ugly cry face at work, thanks Lainie).
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